The Harry Potter Very Secret Diaries
by Smirnoff Ryuu
Summary: A parody on the characters of Harry Potter written in the form of diaires as were originally written by Cassie Claire in the Lord of the Rings Very Secret Diaries
1. Chapter 1

**The Harry Potter Very Secret Dairies**

Based Upon the Books by JK Rowling 

Okay I don't own Harry Potter in any way shape or form, not making a profit unless you count laughter as a profit…erm…yes…anyway they are meant in jest, and not to be taken seriously on any account.

Tom Felton, Christian Coulson, Chris Rankin and Jamie Yeates have all been presented with varying copies of the diaries to read, and I haven't heard that they are offended by them and they played some of the characters!

Feedback is always appreciated and the diaries are from all the books and which one they refer to is mentioned in the title.


	2. Chapter 2

The Secret Diary of Severus Snape, based during the events of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

- Had nice summer, tortured lots of French people to find out if Potter was anywhere nearby…fun torturing and no Potter to be found. Yay me! Stayed out of the sun as got sunburn walking along boardwalk in moonlight, blame Potter for lending me his suntan lotion, will have to torture him more next year. Search for perfect Christmas present for Potter still turning up nothing.

- Yay! Can expel Potter! Or could if he had chosen Slytherin…stupid sorting hat making mistakes again. If can get to him first then might be able to get rid of him before stupid Scottish hag finds out…

Stupid Scottish Hag and stupid old fool, found out I'd had Potter and Weasley in my dungeons, spoilt all my fun, must ask Filch to change locks, don't want anyone walking in on any embarrassing moments…bet stupid old fool would love that!

- Must plan revenge of stupid old fool…may have to spend summer on it as making Potter's life miserable is all consuming right now. Also having to put up with stupid smiling simpleton being around. Made pact with Stupid Scottish Hag to drive him out of school before half term…McGonagall suggested strip tease, but thought he'd enjoy it too much if only Chamber of Secrets was open again…

- Stupid Quidditch team lost again…stupid new seeker's brooms didn't help. Though Potter nearly killed yay! Go tampered bludger! Found stupid smiling simpleton had a use…lost bet with Dumbledore, stupid old fool, had to buy him Sherbet Lemons. Potter in infirmary though yay! In other news, Chamber of Secrets was opened…think it could have been Potter, anything to have him expelled.

- Slytherin ahead in Quidditch again, stupid Gryffindor trying to stop us. School thinks Potter is heir of Slytherin, Dumbledore adamant that he isn't…think might be Dumbledore…could be why Voldemort is afraid of him…Granger been petrified…lessons very quiet when ask questions without her. Think saw two Crabbes and Goyles running around other day…think I should lay off the blood lollipops for a while.

- Potter not heir of Slytherin, memory of Voldemort in diary apparently…still think it was Dumbledore. Ginny Weasley was taken; Potter went after her and brought her back…blah blah blah! All people unpetrified…blah blah blah! Lost more bets with Dumbledore…stupid pay check going on stupid Sherbet Lemons for the stupid old fool…if wasn't end of year would take it out on Potter, ah well can stew over the summer in Bulgaria and make life living hell for him next year…GO ME!


	3. Chapter 3

The Secret Diary of Albus Dumbledore, based during the events of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

- Snape tried to kidnap Ron and Harry again…had to go rescue them from the dungeons, hope Snape doesn't change the locks, it's always fun to walk in on him in compromising situations…never know what a potions master will get up to in his spare time. Hired new defence against Dark Arts teacher…about as qualified as Trelawny is to be a butterfly…Snape not very amused so made bet with him that he would be of some use this year.

- Ran out of Sherbet Lemons again, hope win bet with Snape, blew next three pay checks on brand new diary…then found out Ginny Weasley was trying to get rid of one…must remember to check e-owl before I buy anything in the future. Chamber of secrets been opened again…Potter seems to be taking the blame, Snape is blaming me though…stupid coincidence…stupid smiling simpleton seems to be slowly redecorating the castle…keep finding new portraits everywhere instead of mirrors.

- Bludger cursed in Quidditch match, needed to do something to try and win bet with Snape, random house elf running around will take the credit for it instead. Broke Potter's arm but boy still caught the snitch…stupid boy made me lose bet with Stupid Scottish Hag…at least still have some sherbet lemons. Also found out stupid ginger haired know-it-all has been eating same amount of breakfast as Hagrid…have decided to ration it otherwise there would be none left for me…maybe should ration Hagrid's too so I can have seconds…

- One good thing come out of new interior decorator…mirrors don't keep getting broken by Flint, saving me a fortune in magical mirror repairer. Pigeon also flew into office today…thought it had got lost but was new form of owlmarketing…trying to get my to buy Herbology book polish…who do they think I am? Sent it down to Professor Sprout, who got all excited.

- First year with feathery wings nearly blinded me this morning…stupid plant loving hippy woman went and gave out Herbology book polish to all her classes! Think I need to get revenge, sent stupid smiling simpleton (now sporting dragon jelly legs) down to redecorate…backfired though as she gave him Herbology book polish to shine his teeth with…thank god there are no mirrors left, if Flint hadn't broken them, stupid smiling simpleton would have! Hagrid got arrested today; something about Slytherin seeker eating…maybe rationing his breakfast wasn't such a good idea after all. Went past stupid ginger know-it-all today and heard him grumble something about 'still not head boy'.

- Decided to play hunt the sorting hat with Fawkes today, but stupid bird got lost…again. Snape also told me that Potter didn't turn up to Potions and neither did Weasley…was worried for a moment, but then remembered saw boys going into girl's toilets and all my fears were assuaged. Potter told me later that he'd gone to save Ginny Weasley from Basilisk…who does he think I am? Obviously got lost on the way to Potions again, though somehow he managed to make stupid smiling simpleton more stupid and smiling and simpleton like than he was before…so gave him a special award for services to the school…after all don't think could have gone another year with stupid smiling simpleton as interior decorator. Hagrid released from Azkaban as Slytherin seeker turned up…said had been in France…knew that exchange programs were more trouble than they're worth. Also found out that Potter had been doing magic tricks with the sorting hat…jerk…must find way for revenge…haven't seen Sirius Black in a while, maybe it's time I visit him…


	4. Chapter 4

The Secret Diary of Marcus Flint, based on the events of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Number of first years cursed: 0

- V. bad day, broke another mirror, Mum says if I carry on this way not only will I never win the House Cup back off Wood, she'll start making me wear a paper bag over my head. Started practising curses for new year at Hogwarts with Slytherin seeker…accidentally made him vanish…could cause problems next year; stupid first years, if they weren't such perfect curse targets none of this would have happened.

Number of first years cursed: 9

- Have decided to wear rather large hood when walking around inside…broke three mirrors walking down to dungeon…never noticed they were there before, I swear this place has a new interior decorator…keep seeing pictures of stupid smiling simpleton everywhere I go…somehow ended up with one above my bed…

Number of first years cursed: 27

- Still not found seeker…wonder how long it will take to apparate to Mars to check for him…we've looked everywhere else, even under Crabbe's head! Blonde haired ferret boy keeps badgering me about being on the team, he's becoming worse than Diggory…actually no one is worse than Diggory, may have to use him if can't find other seeker, have made him broom boy for now…whole team has nimbus 2002's, can't wait to see Wood's face…in fact where is the little Scotch git?

Number of first years cursed: 81

- Team have new theory on whereabouts of seeker; think Hagrid might have eaten him. Broom boy is new seeker, but still couldn't beat Potter to the Snitch, even on a faster broom and Potter had a broken arm! Whole team blames Hagrid, have told Dad about theory and he is going to speak to Fudge about him. In other news Chamber of Secrets opened, whole school fears Slytherin more…blah, blah, blah…all think it's Potter…blah, blah, blah…God am starting to sound like Potter.

Number of first years cursed: 107

- Put curse on stupid smiling simpleton…been walking round with jelly legs for a week now…some defence against the Dark Arts teacher, but women still fainting every two seconds around him. Snape and Dumbledore looking equally sour faced…think Snape lost another Sherbet Lemon bet to Dumbledore, stupid old fool never shares any of his winnings. More people petrified…now back to Quidditch…God am starting to sound like Wood…he really needs a girlfriend. Had Hagrid taken to Azkabahn for seeker eating.

Number of first years cursed: 1079 (cursed some of them lots of times)

- Won Quidditch Cup again – take that Diggory! Lost House Cup to Wood, stupid Scotch git; he went around crowing, "I've got the bigger one", until I told him "Yeh, but I've got all the balls." Seeker not been eaten by Hagrid, got lost in France and refused to ask for directions apparently. Fudge had to let Hagrid out of Azkaban though. Stupid smiling simpleton fired as decorator due to lack of imagination and serious condition of his legs…when he tried to remove jelly legs cursed ended up with dragon's jelly legs…ah hope next year is this fun.


	5. Chapter 5

The Secret Diary of Percy Weasley, based during the events of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

- V. bad day, am not head boy yet, being prefect not good enough, must do better! Fred, George and Ron stole car to go rescue Harry, made sure told mum they'd gone, Dad was excited…Mum said didn't deserve breakfast so gave it to me instead! Go me! Owl from Wood arrived for Fred and George reminding them to practise their beating…guess what they used for practise…stupid Wood, he really needs to get himself a girlfriend. Ginny seems to have bought very tasty diary…decided to keep it in mind for emergency snack resource.

- Only got one helping of breakfast, so had to nibble on the corners of the diary, Ginny stole it back…situation desperate…thank god going back to Hogwarts…almost everything there is edible…even Snape. Harry's talking about himself again...if still had diary would throw it at him…Fred and George created new game though…Harry Banter…much more fun than Percy Banter, cursing my tie to strangle me as a python was not fun!

Still not Head Boy

- Good to be back at Hogwarts, four helpings of breakfast wasn't really enough, but didn't want to seem like a pig. Wood and Diggory started fighting over who needed a girlfriend more…then Davis got involved…never thought the Ravenclaw Captain would look so good with a trunk…

Still not Head Boy

- Ginny disappeared again today, saw her going down to the dungeons with tasty black diary…though somehow got lost and ran into missing Slytherin Seeker…must remember to tell Flint to try looking in France…on second thoughts I think I'd rather see broom boy try and beat Potter…

Still not Head Boy

- Broom boy couldn't beat Potter…even on a faster broom and when Potter had a broken arm! Dumbledore looking rather sour faced (think he won another Sherbet Lemon bet with Snape) has started to ration my breakfast, stupid old fool. Also am beginning to notice there is something different about the castle…

Still not Head Boy

- Discovered what was different about castle, Dumbledore hired new interior designer…stupid smiling simpleton with dragon's jelly legs…personally don't think his self portraits were best thing to use as decoration when there are plenty of Mr Crouch that could be used…Ginny taken into Chamber of Secrets…don't care as has nothing to do with me being Head Boy or my breakfast! Tasty black diary also seems to have vanished…no more emergency rations…Slytherin seeker found way back from France…took him long enough to find the 'This way to Hogwarts Dungeons' sign…he was stood by it for 3 months!

Still not Head Boy


	6. Chapter 6

The Very Secret Diary of Tom Riddle, based upon the events of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Number of people corrupted: 0

- V. bad day, am still a book, when wanted to be a dark lord, didn't think being human needed to be specified after all 'The evil dark lord' commands much more fear than 'the evil dark lord of typewriters'; though could be worse, could be a whiny girls diary… Have developed very bad cough; Lucius should invest in some Pledge or least hire an exterminator for these dust bunnies, especially the killer white one. House elf walked into patio door again was v. amusing. Malfoys need a new decorator; Green, black and silver was so fifty years ago.

Number of people corrupted: 0

- Got dropped in cauldron of old tatty books, thank God am out of Malfoy's house and away from killer white dust bunnies gnawing on my corners. Seem to be seeing a lot of red at the moment, think I should get my cover checked. New house has gone for the rumble and tumble country look, so ten years ago, but at least is better than Green, silver, black…and more black. Owl flew into patio door today; was v amusing, though had strange feeling of déjà vu.

Number of people corrupted: ½

- Discovered nothing wrong with cover; whole family are ginger…am so glad am bald; a ginger dark lord really wouldn't work. Feared killer white dust bunnies had followed me to new house, but discovered was the ginger know-it-all chewing on my corners. Really beginning to miss walking; thought of experimenting with covers as wings; discovered draws aren't the best place to try flying.

V. V. bad day; I sunk lower than 'the evil dark lord of typewriters'…have become adolescent girl's diary; lacking opposable thumbs makes it rather difficult to rip oneself in half…however is very good for gossip…this Potter seems like a real jerk.

Annoying rat keeps scampering around…have a sneaking suspicion have threatened it before.

Number of people corrupted: 1

- Was right, Potter is a jerk; spoiling the plans of a misunderstood tortured individual, he could at least have had the decency to die like his parents. Got back to Hogwarts…have strange craving for sherbet lemons for some reason. Dumbledore now Headmaster, stupid old fool and some Scottish hag now deputy Head…am beginning to wonder why older self didn't take over this little 'fortress of good' when was mad, bad and powerful. Hagrid now gamekeeper…wonder if he's improved at Scrabble…After failed flying attempt decided girl should carry me round castle. Got V. bored and decided to open Chamber of Secrets again; evils really do have more fun.

Also Hogwarts seems to have acquired stupid smiling simpleton…keeps grinning and girls keep fainting…no wonder is defence against dark arts teacher, if I had legs or could fly you wouldn't see me for dust.

Number of people corrupted: 1

Number of people petrified: 3 and one married cat

- Basilisk rampage not so much fun as thought it would be…it's just not the same when you can't gloat over corpses…well there haven't been any corpses yet either…think I need to have word with Basilisk about that.

Stupid smiling simpleton seems to be losing the fainting effect; only eighteen out of twenty collapsed today…think I'll stick with forbidden curses…much more fun and cheeks don't ache afterward.

Too many mudbloods running around…wonder if could get girl to chain them all down in the dungeon…would make gloating much easier.

Number of people corrupted: 1

Number of people petrified: 5 and one married cat.

- V. bad day; got very wet. Thought I got dropped in puddle…then saw ghost girl…thrown into girls' lavatory worse than being a diary or evil Dark Lord of Typewriters. Met Potter, was right in suspicions…is a jerk. Decided to show him past…didn't realise hadn't had time to colour the filters on it…stupid advances in technology –grumble-

- Kidnapped ginger haired diary writer…GO ME! Was going to take her to Slytherin Common Room, but thought that was first place would look so instead took her to Chamber…later realised had made her write 'her skeleton will lie in the chamber forever' in blood on the wall…note to self: Decoys only work if haven't actually taken captive there…Potter got lost on the way to Potions and pretended that he had come to rescue ginger haired diary writer…jerk… Set Basilisk on him, GO ME! Then stupid Fawkes got lost too, was playing hunt the sorting hat with Dumbledore again. Potter stole hat and did stupid magicians trick with sword. Must remember to feed Basilisk more so doesn't try and eat Fawkes again…stupid Christ like figure blinded my snake! Note to older self: Destroy bird before Potter.

Potter killed Basilisk – note to older self: Actually kill Potter first – v. not impressed. Though Potter did get fang through the arm, yay for Potter's immanent death…then stupid bird cried and Potter got better…note to older self: Just kill them both…Was nearly human when Potter decided that the fang would look nice through my diary…v. not impressed…am not Bill Weasley, I don't wear jewellery…fang still also poisonous…WORST MOMENT EVER! Why can't Potter stop interfering? Note to self: Next time make covers of diary from stone so STILL POSIONOUS FANG can't hurt it. Without diary lost will to live so decided to pull a Fawkes. Must remember to memo older self.


	7. Chapter 7

The Secret Diary of Severus Snape, based during the events of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban  
- Dumbledore hired new Defence against the Dark Arts teacher, was hoping plague of locusts had wiped out all the outside candidates…maybe not sending the advert to the Daily Prophet for Dumbledore would have been a better idea. New teacher is Lupin, also a Werewolf…git…told Dumbledore hiring him was a bad idea, after all he could try to kill me again and we can't have 'St. Potter' being put in any danger. Started sending howlers to Lupin. Dumbledore says I'm over reacting…I stole his sherbet lemons out of spite.

- Black escaped from Azkaban…git…I just know he's coming back to make my life even more miserable by joining forces with 'St. Potter'…or make my life better by killing 'St. Potter'…there's probably some down side to it that I can't see. Planned first potions lesson for Gryffindor 3rd years…have got Longbottom a trick stool so every time I get bored I will make him fall on his fat arse. Note to self: Must ask Sorting Hat why am in Slytherin and not Gryffindor.

- Had nightmare that Black and Potter were after me. Decided I should get Potter a trick stool too. Saw advert for killer white rabbit maybe get one for Potter instead. Dumbledore will expect the full cooperation of staff in keeping all students, especially 'St. Potter' will have to send rabbit back or give to Longbottom.

- Got strange package looks like one gave Longbottom, except package is mostly red…maybe send to Dumbledore as birthday present. Lost Quidditch Cup to Gryffindor today…'St. Potter's' fault again, now owe McGonagall 3 Galleons…stupid Scottish Hag, maybe should have sent Malfoy and Flint on sabotage mission. Black keeps breaking into castle…maybe should start setting rattraps for him…

- Saved 'St. Potter' from Black and Lupin, forgot to take his potion and I caught him trying to murder Potter, Weasley and Granger with Black, tried to tell me some tosh about Pettigrew still being alive, pfft like I was going to fall for that, how stupid does he think I am? Stupid children knocked me out…must remember to get more killer rabbits; Lupin turned into Werewolf, Black and Potter nearly got soul's sucked out by Dementors, found them both unconscious, will make up story of how I heroically saved them. Couldn't think of story so just told the truth…stupid truth and stupid imagination. Fudge saying going to get Order of Merlin for Black's capture…Go Me! Dumbledore obviously jealous…somehow got 'St. Potter' to ruin it for me by letting Black escape. Am going to dungeons to sulk for a while.  
- Lupin leaving, best thing to happen all things considered…well St. Potter could have fallen down the stairs, but I can always dream. So happy the Werewolf is leaving was dancing a jig in my office. Lupin saw me and the filthy beast had the gaul to mention Black and my Order of Merlin. Going to eat sherbet lemons and pick on Longbottom during potions…if it weren't the end of the year…ah well I will brew this hatred and take it out on St Potter as well next year…going to Transylvania for the holiday…GO ME!


	8. Chapter 8

The Secret Diary of Albus Dumbledore, based during the events of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

- Hired a new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher today. Former pupil and friend of the late James Potter. Severus seemed to think that there was some form of problem with me hiring a werewolf but as I see it, the condition can only aid in his knowledge, experience and ability in teaching the subject. Now where did I put those sherbet lemons?

- I expect the full cooperation from all my staff members in ensuring the safety of all students when they return to Hogwarts this year, after Sirius Black's escape the ministry seem rather agitated that he could be coming after Harry, so I am having to bear having Dementors around the school entrances. It's rather exciting actually because every time I leave the grounds I have to go past them and I have memories of a raunchy little witch come flooding back, so have of course forbidden them to come within the school grounds as the excitement could be a bit too much whilst having to run the school. Though it's all for the children's safety really. I wonder what happened to that little sexpot of a witch…probably killed by Voldemort as well, ah well yet another name to strike off my 'People I Know' list.

- Dementors raided the Hogwarts express, Potter fainted, no surprises there, in fact the staff has a book going on who will be the next one to drop. My money's on Potter, I swear that boy's collapsed more times in three years than I've had sherbet lemons. Still not found them…maybe I should tell the faculty to keep an eye out for them.

- Told McGonagall about my sherbet lemons, she told me I'd probably eaten them. Stupid Scottish Hag. Just because she doesn't need sherbet lemons to look sour. Potter fainted during Quidditch! I WON THE GALLEONS! V. Happy Headmaster. Though I was quite angry the Dementors hadn't done it sooner so did lots of shouting and scary magic before taking Potter to the castle. Must get the boy a present for winning me those galleons, even though he is a jerk.

- Posted an offer of a reward for the safe return of my sherbet lemons. Gryffindor won Quidditch match, gave Fred + George lots of food when bumped into them in the corridor, told them to go to Hogsmeade to get more if they ran out. Black broke into the castle and attacked Ron Weasley. Still no word on my sherbet lemons.

- Have hired a private detective to find my sherbet lemons. Pettigrew still alive, Black going to Dementors, Lupin turned into Werewolf. Had to attend Buckbeak's execution, sent Harry and Hermionie back in time to save Black and Buckbeak. Severus has been gloating about getting Order of Merlin, smarmy git, wanted to recite my title to him, but just smiled instead. Fudge has been loitering around the castle, didn't drink the poisoned tea I gave him. Stupid fool. Am beginning to suspect a conspiracy in the ministry. Detective reports Severus had my sherbet lemons, smarmy git, will force him to teach potions for another year as punishment.


	9. Chapter 9

The Secret Diary of Ron Weasley, based during the events of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

- Egypt's great. Fred and George tried to lock Percy in a pyramid, Ginny got sunstroke, thought I saw Hermionie but it was only a kebab vendor. Bought Harry a pocket sneakascope. Twins put beetles in Bill's soup. Percy kept polishing his head boy badge, it acts like a bloody night light he's polished it so much! Dreamed about killing Percy with his Head boy badge. Also drowned Draco Malfoy.

Bloody Hell Scale: 4

- Sirius Black escaped from prison, Harry ran away from home, Scabbers is ill and I'm still sharing a room with Percy! Trying to persuade Hermionie to do my potions essay, but she is having none of it. No sign of Harry yet. Mum Panicking. Fred and George set off fireworks in Ginny's room. Still haven't packed for Hogwarts. Desperate spider attack, three of them on my bed! Hermionie saved me from them. Ah Hermionie. Dreamed I was imperial wizard with swooning girls…then Hermionie woke me up…I don't think the cold water was necessary.

Bloody Hell Scale: 7

- New teacher on the train. Harry fainted when Dementors swept the train, buff new teacher scared off Dementors by flashing…his wand at them…Hermionie also seemed impressed –mental note: Must learn that spell- Still haven't done potions essay. Halloween feast mediocre, Harry and Hermionie went to secret meeting with McGonagall, I swear Lupin was making eyes at me during the feast.

Bloody Hell Scale: 6

- Told Hermionie that Professor Lupin seems to fancy me. She laughed, which was rather heartless. Received note at dinner in Lupin's handwriting…didn't open it. Snape shouted because I hadn't finished the essay for potions. Smarmy git. Dumbledore's lost his sherbet lemons (that's not all he's lost if you ask me) is offering a big reward for their safe recovery but Hermionie won't let me go search for them. The sour look Snape had on his face today I could swear that we had stolen them!

Bloody Hell Scale: 8

- Black broke into Hogwarts, tried to kill me as I slept but my amazingly powerful wizards aura must have scared him off. Lupin been following me around, says he's trying to protect me…I don't think its normal for protectors to stand over you whilst you sleep. Hermionie thinks I'm being paranoid and still won't do my potions essay. Her stupid cat keeps attacking Scabbers. Decided that I'll turn it into cheese if it tries again so Scabbers can have some revenge. Hermionie is being a witch; Harry is being a jerk…think I will hold auditions for new friends.

Bloody Hell Scale: 8

- New Friend Auditions didn't go as planned. Harry turned up but didn't know about the auditions, two first year girls also turned up…they were looking for Nell Fiends Auctions…I told them to try next door. Went to Hogsmeade, Harry attacked Malfoy but all ended in tears and I had to go to see Lupin and Snape…at the SAME time to save him…the things I do for him! Think Snape's forgotten about my essay. Not talking to Hermionie, her cheese killed my rat!

Bloody Hell Scale: 8 ½

- WE WON THE QUIDDITCH CUP! GO ME!…I mean us…us…Wood can't stop crying…he really needs to find himself a girlfriend. Hermionie still not talking to. Fred and George got Hogsmeade party food. Harry being a jerk over winning, Draco looked like he was gonna throw up when we won. Think I'll go sing our Quidditch cheer outside the Slytherin common room…this time I'll take the invisibility cloak; my body still aches after last time.

Bloody Hell Scale: 9

- Buckbeak executed, Scabbers not dead, YAY! Got dragged down under the Whomping Willow by huge black dog into Shrieking Shack. Scabbers not a rat but Peter Pettigrew, dog not a dog but Sirius Black. Harry + Hermionie came to save me. Lupin appeared, tried to hit on me again, was angry so pushed him away. Did shackle myself to him later to make him feel better. Lupin turned into Werewolf. Oh yeh Snape knocked unconscious…BEST MOMENT EVER! Ended up in hospital. Harry + Hermionie did something weird but some how managed to save Buckbeak and Black, Snape really pissed coz now he won't get the Order of Merlin. Won House Cup, got new owl, invited Harry to stay over summer…he's still a jerk.

Bloody Hell Scale: 10


	10. Chapter 10

The Very Secret Diary of Remus Lupin, based during the events of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Lunar Cycle: Half Moon

- Got a new job! GO ME! Thank God Dumbledore's a rebel and didn't ask for the Governors permission before hiring me. I keep getting howlers that are sealed with a serpent and delivered using a Hogwarts owl, some greasy haired git no doubt on the teaching staff has something against Werewolves.

Lunar Cycle: Crescent Moon

- Sirius Black escaped from prison today, huge magical and muggle search is being conducted for him. He's probably after Harry. Told Dumbledore I'd take the Hogwarts express on the 1st so that I can protect the children if Black attacks the train.

Lunar Cycle: No Moon

- Black didn't attack the train. Damn! I wanted to impress Harry, Hermionie and their cute ginger friend with my duelling skills well at least the Dementors did search the train, Harry fainted and the ginger friend looked very impressed when I used my patronous charm. Must see if I can bribe the Dementors into raiding my third year Defence Against the Dark Arts lesson.

Lunar Cycle: ¾ Moon

- Agreed to help Harry by teaching him the Patronous charm, hope he brings his ginger friend too; coincidently he has a lot of older brothers, though none of them are as saucy as he is. Told Snape I was teaching Harry higher magic, I don't think I've ever seen anyone look so sour faced, except Dumbledore when he's eating sherbet lemons.

Lunar Cycle: Full Moon

- Black tried to kill Harry but nearly got the cute ginger friend instead, I think this time Sirius went too far, have made special effort to guard him just in case Black comes back. Dumbledore posted a reward notice for the safe return of his sherbet lemons today. Changed into a Werewolf, Snape is teaching my class…I'm sure he's up to something, the last time he looked that happy James had fallen off his broom during the Quidditch final.

Lunar Cycle: Full Moon

- Forgot to take my potion tonight. Found out Pettigrew was still alive and murdered Lily and James, which means Sirius was innocent…really didn't see that one coming, but somehow I didn't think Sirius could have joined the dark side…green was never his colour. Snape interfered, the greasy hair git, just because he fancies Sirius. Sirius hurt Harry's ginger friend, the poor darling was in so much pain and when I showed some concern, he pushed me away! That's the last time I fancy a fourteen-year-old wizard! He tried to make it up to me later by shackling himself to me through Pettigrew but I was having none of it!

One a side note: Turned into a Werewolf, nearly killed Harry and Hermionie not mention the cute ginger friend. Ran into Forbidden forest to finish my chess game with Aragog. Spiders are a bugger for stealing your bishop!

Lunar Cycle: Aww who cares!

- Resigned and started packing. Am heartbroken over Ron (only now can I write his name) I must leave to recuperate, told Dumbledore some tosh about Student's parents not wanting to be taught by a Werewolf, Harry was convinced, not too sure on Dumbledore though. I'm sure I saw Snape dancing a jig when he heard I was leaving. I muttered something about Sirius and the Order of Merlin that seemed to do the trick. He's still a greasy haired git. Gave Marauders Map back to Harry, must remember to send Fred and George some Dungbombs for finding it, would never have been shackled to Ron if they hadn't.


	11. Chapter 11

The Secret Diary of Sirius Black, based during the events of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

- Fudge came to visit. Pompous git didn't drink the poison tea I gave him. Couldn't believe the front of the Daily Prophet had picture of wizarding family and Peter was there with him, the slime. Decided to escape and murder him. Wonder how Lupin is, hope he still doesn't had a fetish for young ginger wizards…

- Escaped Azkaban! Go Me! V. tired after the long swim, well its worked up quite an appetite, shame Dumbledore isn't here I could have had some of his sherbet lemons. Going to Little Whinging to find Harry, see if he's as sexy as his father was.

- Harry sexier than his father, was surprised, can see why Lupin had fetish for young wizards…not too sure on the ginger though. Am still hungry. Am going to journey to Hogwarts and kill Peter…Ministry will think I'm after Harry. They won't have been reading my anonymous letters claiming my innocence. Note to self: stay away from Dementors.

Number of rats eaten: 18

- Nice to be back in Hogsmeade. Made friends with an oddly shaped cheese, tells me it used to be a cat. Is sneaking me inside Hogwarts during Halloween feast so I can kill Peter whilst everyone is at dinner. Stupid Fat Lady wouldn't let me in. Saw fly on her and tried to swat it…forgot was in dog form, accidentally ripped her painting…opps…ran away in case I got into trouble for it…later thought I couldn't get in much more trouble…keep forgetting I'm a wanted murder. Heard Dumbledore had his sherbet lemons stolen.

Number of rats eaten – 36

- Saw Harry play Quidditch, he's very good…until he faints and falls fifty feet. He wasn't very graceful doing that…not bad as a Seeker though. Oddly shaped cheese stole passwords to Gryffindor common room for me, broke in last night, saw Peter's 'owner'…young ginger haired wizard…poor boy, hope he doesn't meet Lupin. Boy woke up and screamed, decided it best to runaway…even though he screams like a girl…so close to killing him last night got me to thinking what I was going to do after this…then got distracted by rats.

Number of rats eaten: 54

- Finally got chance to kill Peter, had to kidnap young ginger friend to do it, but still…Harry and Bushy haired friend came to save him, thought I was going to kill Harry too, stupid Ministry not reading my letters, must start writing and impressing upon them to start taking anonymous letters more seriously. Lupin burst in, didn't know he was at Hogwarts…poor ginger friend…helped me to try and kill Peter. Snape interfered, greasy haired git, got knocked out by Harry and friends…BEST MOMENT EVER! Lupin turned into Werewolf, Pettigrew escaped, Dementors caught me, got locked in tallest tower and somehow freed by Harry…think must have been Dumbledore's doing, he was jealous of Snape getting Order of Merlin…took Hippogriff and escaped. Sent letter to Harry and owl to ginger friend as an apology for him having to put up with Lupin, said it was for losing his rat. Wonder if Dumbledore found his sherbet lemons


	12. Chapter 12

The Secret Diary of Oliver Wood, based during the events of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Number of times Quidditch mentioned in one sentence: Two

- Spent whole summer devising new Quidditch strategy, this year we will win the cup, we must win the cup. Mum thinks I need a girlfriend. Some wizard escaped from somewhere, not very important as I have a Quidditch Cup to win! Sent owls to Angelina, Katie and Alicia telling them not to forget to practise…Mum got really excited she thought I had three girlfriends then wouldn't let me spoil her illusion by telling her they were my teams chasers…applied to Puddlemere United Quidditch team to play Quidditch after I leave Hogwarts this year. Picture of psychotic man on front of Daily Prophet, wonder who he is…ah well I have Quidditch to practise.

Number of times Quidditch mentioned in one sentence: Four

- Had nightmare that the whole team had forgotten their brooms and had to ride on the old school ones so sent out owls just in case they did. Went back to Hogwarts, Dementors raided the train, Potter fainted, thought for a moment I'd lost our seeker but then he was alright again so my new strategy is still in tact. Fred and George say they've been practising their beating over the summer…I didn't ask how but whatever training they've been doing paid off. Psychotic man is Sirius Black, some murderer or something like that that doesn't affect Quidditch. Dreamed I had a Firebolt and single-handed won the Quidditch Cup.

Number of times Quidditch mentioned in one sentence: Nine

- We lost to Hufflepuff my life is over! Potter fainted during the match, Diggory caught the Snitch, Potter fell fifty feet, thought he was dead, even worse his nimbus 2001 got smashed by the Whomping willow. Team's gone to see him in hospital…think I'll go to the showers and try and drown myself. My last year to win the Quidditch Cup in Hogwarts and its all ruined by one Quidditch match and the Slytherin Quidditch team didn't even play, stupid Malfoy, stupid Harry, stupid tree, stupid weather, stupid Flint, stupid Diggory!

Number of times Quidditch mentioned in one sentence: thirteen

- Thank god for Fred and George, they've cheered me up! We're still in the Quidditch House Cup race! Nearly had to kick Harry off the team but thankfully he's taking some defence against the dark arts special training to help ward off the fainting fits…really is a good seeker if a complete jerk. Forcing team to do harder training sessions. If we're lucky we can still win the cup, it'll all depend on points though…I wonder if I can sabotage the scoreboard somehow…

Number of times Quidditch mentioned in one sentence: eighteen

- Harry got a Firebolt for Christmas but that know it all Granger got it confiscated because she thought Black would have sent it and was trying to use it to kill Harry! Of all the ridiculous ideas! How could a wanted man walk into Quality Quidditch Supplies and buy one? Absurd! McGonagall however didn't see my point of view and erm thought I needed to get my priorities sorted…so what if Harry gets bucked off the broom and dies…as long as he catches the snitch first! I must win this cup…WE must…yes…we…

Number of times Quidditch mentioned in one sentence: Twenty-Five

- We beat Ravenclaw and Harry didn't faint! Though I think he's fallen in love with the Ravenclaw seeker…stupid Cho. The Firebolt is a dream I must see if dad will get me one for Christmas…for the next thirty years! Mum sent me an owl asking if I had any more girlfriends…I didn't respond…Fred and George teasing me about it so made them do four hours extra beating practise for the Slytherin match. Still all depends on points, sabotage didn't work because Madam Hooch caught me and told me she'd disqualify Gryffindor if I tried again. Sent Fred and George on broom sabotage mission…they haven't come back yet.

Number of times Quidditch mentioned in one sentence: Ninety

- I DID IT! I WON THE QUIDDITCH CUP! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT…I mean…erm damn it. Well it's the first time in seven years, I'm so happy I'm going to cry! It's the best way to end my year at Hogwarts and I got a letter of acceptance for the Puddlemere reserve team! I can't believe it this is the happiest day of my life! Fred and George got detention for the broom sabotage mission, McGonagall caught them, and well at least we weren't disqualified. She wanted to win too. Am going to go join in the party now…heard Ron say something about me needing a girlfriend…he's as bad as mum!


	13. Chapter 13

The Secret Diary of Harry Potter, based during the events of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Number of Orcs Dudley's killed on his new game: 0 he can't get past the first one!

- I HATE SUMMER. Hate Dudley, Hate Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon, Hate Privet Drive, And Hate Muggle World! To make this even worse aunt Marge is coming to stay. Hate Aunt Marge, Hate her dogs, Hate having to be away from Hogwarts. Blew up Aunt Marge pretended it was an accident, now probably expelled from Hogwarts, am running away. Ron won galleons and went on trip to Egypt; Hermionie in France, some murderer escaped prison, blah, blah, blah! Got Knight Bus to Diagon Alley, Fudge was waiting for me…pompous git, but don't have to go back to the Dursley's and am not expelled from Hogwarts, get to spend the rest of the summer in the Leaky Cauldron and Diagon Alley. Shame they had to deflate Aunt Marge.

- Apparently rampaging murderer is after me, am going to keep this a secret till later then guilt Ron and Hermionie with it. Fainted on the train…stupid travel sickness, pretended it was the Dementors fault; new teacher believed me and gave me chocolate…I think he fancies Ron. Got owl from Wood telling me not to forget my broom as well…stupid git, how stupid does he think I…oh crap!

- Fainted during Quidditch match, really must get something for this travel sickness. Woke up in hospital with Hermionie, Ron and the Gryffindor Quidditch team…well apart from Wood apparently he was trying to drown himself…he really needs to get a girlfriend, but yay more attention! Nimbus has been shattered; I felt like taking an axe to that stupid tree…only it would hit me back. Asked Lupin if he could help me out with 'my problem'. He seemed to think it was something to do with the Dementors so am now learning barrier against them…hope it helps with my travel sickness too.

- Fred and George showed me secret way into Hogsmeade, got to go shopping and gloat over being rich and Ron being poor, Hermionie kind of a wild card. Went into pub and had drinks, but then teachers appeared so got stuffed under table…found out Black sold parents to Voldemort…git…and he's my godfather…even bigger git. SO ANGRY! HATE DUMBLEDORE, HATE HAGRID, HATE FLITWICK, HATE LUPIN, HATE MCGONAGALL, HATE BLACK, AND HATE EVERYTHING! Am going to go and sulk and hate the world for a while.

- Decided to walk around moaning 'Why me?' for a few hours each day and see how much sympathy I get. Ron disappeared but I found him sat behind the teacher's desk in an empty classroom…I never knew there was a Nell Fiends Auction at Hogwarts, probably Dumbledore trying to get more sherbet lemons.

- Got Firebolt for Christmas (GO ME!) Hermionie went and told McGonagall. Stupid know-it-all. Wood told me to get a new broom, gloated about the Firebolt, told him about McGonagall. He went to see her but didn't go as planned. Have decided to pester old Scottish Hag until she lets me have it.

- McGonagall let me have it, have very big black eye, but I got the Firebolt back too! Go Me! Beat Ravenclaw! Go Me! Fell in love with Cho Chang! Go Me! Such a good day almost forgot to be self-pitying. Fred and George threw winning party. Dumbledore posted reward notice about sherbet lemons. Ron got attacked by Black (stupid glory hog) am going to sulk for a while. Some best friend! Ruins my best day by being attacked by man that killed my parents.

- Hermionie's cheese ate Scabbers. Ron V. upset, can't be bothered to comfort him, Fred and George have nothing to do so they can do it for me, I have to be self-pitying, and it's a very taxing job, plus still haven't forgiven him for ruining my best day.

- Won House Cup! GO ME! Went to Buckbeak's execution, GO ME! Found out Sirius innocent, Pettigrew still alive and Lupin is a Werewolf. Knocked out Snape…BEST MOMENT EVER! Going to live with Sirius! Go Me! Travel sickness hit me again just as Dementors attacked was so ill couldn't save Sirius, fainted again! Lupin turned into Werewolf, Sirius saved us from him. Snape to be given Order of Merlin for Sirius capture…Dumbledore jealous so sent Hermionie and I back in time to save Sirius and Buckbeak, were successful, Snape really angry. HAHAHAHA! Ron invited me to Quidditch World Cup over summer. Now time to go feel self-pity.

Number of Orcs killed by Dudley on old game: 4 million he found the Internet cheats.


	14. Chapter 14

The Secret Diary of Draco Malfoy, based during the events of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

- Sirius Black escaped from Azkaban, Dad was shocked but seemed pleased, told me black had given 'St. Potter's' parents to You-know-who. Can't wait to see how angry Potter's going to be about it. Saw advert for Killer White Rabbit today. Asked Dad if he would get me one for my birthday, or better yet Potter's birthday.

- Potter fainted on the train, keeps claiming it's travel sickness but we all know he was scared of the Dementors. Fainted at breakfast this morning and pretended to be doing impression of Potter, think I convinced everyone. My birthday today, Go Me! Didn't get the Killer White Rabbit, got black cloak and mask though and note from Dad…'for when you're ready to into the family business'…I didn't know I had to dress up to manage a trust fund…

- Got attacked by Hippogriff today, stupid ugly beasts, almost as ugly as Granger. Hurt my arm, so went to hospital wing for a few days. Kept sling on arm for few weeks, didn't have to play Quidditch in the rain, Hufflepuff played instead, beat Gryffindor too, wish had played now, if known Potter was going to faint again would have played with sling on!

- Dumbledore posted reward for safe return of stolen sherbet lemons…stupid old fool; he probably ate them and is trying to get someone to buy him some more. Gryffindor played Ravenclaw, had brilliant idea, used birthday present to dress up like Dementors, Flint and Crabbe all got black robes and masks for their birthday too, Goyle is starting to feel left out, so stood on his shoulders to try and make Potter faint again, kinda backfired…Stupid Scottish Hag…just because she hasn't got a trust fund to dress up for.

- Found strange white and red package outside common room, made strange noises, decided to give to Crabbe to open…big mistake…now very glad Dad didn't get me Killer White Rabbit…wish I had a holy hand grenade. Now have to play Quidditch with three fingers on one hand…stupid rodent…did some snooping, found out Snape ordered one…greasy haired git, decided to send it back to him.

- For first time in seven years we lost the Quidditch Cup! Feel like I'm gonna be sick. 'St. Potter' keeps gloating, so does Weasley, why didn't Black kill them both when he broke in and had the chance. Saw oddly shaped cheese the other day, thought maybe I should have sent the Killer Rabbit to Granger instead, help cut down on all the mudbloods, ah well can do something about that at the World Cup, will have to ask Dad why we have to dress up to manage a trust fund too.


	15. Chapter 15

The Secret Diary of Neville Longbottom, based during the events of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

- Sirius Black escaped from Azkaban. V. bad. Don't like him, he's almost as bad as Bellatrix, evil wench, am sure I started planning revenge on her but can't quite remember. Decided really must get portable notice board. Went back to Hogwarts, train got attacked by Dementors and Harry fainted…I'm sure he's done something like that before…he does seem to suffer from illness a lot.

- Got strange package from Snape today, made strange squeaking sounds so sent home to grandmother, got howler in return am not sure why…think I lost rememberall, but can't remember.

- Dumbledore posted reward for return of his sherbet lemons, I don't think I've seen them but I can't be too sure on that, though Snape is looking more sour than usual. Lost piece of paper with passwords to common room on it, hope I remember where I left it. Gryffindor beat Ravenclaw, Fred and George turned me into a canary…I kinda liked having yellow feathers…Sirius black broke into common room, McGonagall said it was my fault and now not allowed the passwords for the common room or allowed to go to Hogsmeade…stupid Scottish hag.

- Woke up with strange gold writing above head…'Still not king'…also saw strange shaped cheese wandering cross common room…must stop eating pepperimps before bedtime.

- Got strange package back from Grandmother today, had blood on outside…wonder why…left it outside Slytherin common room, they seem to like blood. Fell off stool for third time this week…wonder why…Hermionie asked if I'd found it today…wonder where rememberall is, may help me remember…

Number of things forgotten: I can't remember.

- Gryffindor won Quidditch World Cup! Go Team! Draco Malfoy looked like he was going to be sick…ask looked to have some fingers missing off his left hand…wonder how that happened. Oliver Wood couldn't stop crying…he really needs to get himself a girlfriend. Had to go see Snape who wasn't in his office, saw Dumbledore's sherbet lemons on the desk, was going to go tell him about them but I think I forgot.


	16. Chapter 16

The Secret Diary of Hermionie Granger, based during the events of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

- France is great. There seems to be some sort of Quidditch amnesty here, so nobody talks about it 24/7, maybe I should bring Ron here. Miss Harry, too quiet, nobody whining when he's not around. Don't miss Ron, nobody pestering me to do their potions essay.

- Sirius Black escaped from Azkaban, am really disappointed, I wanted to be the first to do that, means he could possibly be smarter than I am…hope ministry catches him soon, then nobody else will figure out he could be smarter than me. Went to Diagon Alley met Harry and Ron. Wish I was back in France…Nice to see Ginny again. Got cat, nobody else wanted him, seems to be smart, hope he isn't smarter than me.

- Neville got white package today, from anonymous source, told him not open it, especially when it made strange noises. He sent it to his Grandmother. Cat now cheese after attacking Scabbers, Ron needs to learn to control his temper. Starting to develop insomnia…not sure why, maybe need to take more subjects to help get rid of it, volunteered to help in Buckbeak's case instead.

- Ron turned cat into cheese, am really angry since I don't know how to do that…hope Ron isn't smarter than me…nah that could never happen. Apparently cheese ate Scabbers…I personally think it was Dobby but there is no explaining that to Mr 'please do my potions essay'. Gryffindor beat Ravenclaw in Quidditch match; Fred and George threw v. big party that made lots of noise and disturbed my studying, shall scowl darkly at them for a week. Ron nearly killed by Black, but after turning cat into cheese serves him right!

- Stupid Lupin, scared me half to death with stupid boggart on stupid obstacle course, note to self: scowl darkly at him too. Also know he's werewolf, but seems to be good werewolf so not told anyone yet. Dumbledore posted reward notice for return of sherbet lemons, Ron wanted to go buy some more and turn them into him, but told him that Dumbledore already has too much sugar and doesn't need pupils buying him more. Was useless at hippogriff stuff for court case…Buckbeak lost and is going to be executed. Cat still cheese, caught Malfoy throwing crackers at it…grrrrr…had a dream he turned into ferret and got bounced around room…

- Buckbeak executed, all my fault, v. sad, but at least Ron's stopped pestering me for potions essay, Ron got kidnapped, cheese in league with big dog really Sirius Black, Scabbers really Peter Pettigrew and one responsible for Harry's parent's death, had to put up with whining Harry for a while, but in new location almost felt sorry for him… Knocked Snape out…opps…was right about Lupin being good werewolf…until he transforms. Snape gloating over Order of Merlin going to get, Dumbledore so jealous so sent Harry and I back in time to spoil it for him. Won house cup again, still the smartest! Go Me!


	17. Chapter 17

The Very Secret Diary of Cedric Diggory; based on the events of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

- Came home from surprise trip to Australia today. Dad took me for beating Potter to the Snitch last year, found flying very difficult upside down; can understand why Australians won Quidditch World Cup they hosted…all other teams must have fallen off their brooms…after all magical sticking charm I used is illegal in organised wizarding sports after the 1517 incident when the referee, two seekers, bludgers and quaffle got stuck to one of the goalposts…took three weeks before crowd realised the match wouldn't continue!

Speaking of Quidditch, Dad got tickets for the World Cup, got to get up far too early so am going to take Pops Permanent Pep Pills to keep me awake all night.

- In retrospect pills not such a good plan, got so excited during match nearly fell out of top stand…luckily was during Veela dance so nobody noticed. Met Potter at the Port Key; is it just me or did Granger look more like a small woodland creature than she did last year?

All Ron could talk about was Krum, think Lupin would be heart broken if he knew…ran into Wood too…that boy really needs to find himself a girlfriend – seemed to be hanging around with Irish Hufflepuff girl…must have been my imagination after all the Irish hate the Scots more than the English. Accidentally walked past water tap into French Quarter…had to be French Quarter – rest of the campsite was crawling with snails and frogs.

Death Eaters attacked camp…something about Butterbeer and Fireworks always turns into an old fashion muggle roasting. Campsite destroyed…in confusion saw Irish Hufflepuff girl setting fire to Wood's tent – knew he couldn't have a girlfriend; either that or he's guilty of insurance fraud. Ran into house elf in confusion – knocked me flat on my back – would make an excellent addition to Hufflepuff House Elf Rugby Side – Yellow Bellied Badgers; must talk to Dean Thomas about it.

- Triwizarding Tournament to be held at Hogwarts – People going around talking about death and glory; bet Potter thinks everyone's talking about him again. Good thing about having Frenchies here – no more killer white rabbits running around the castle – can't understand how they got here in the first place – thought could only get them from mail order in the prophet.

On side note: Entered Triwizarding Tournament, twins tried to steal my limelight by turning into Dumbledore twins. Spoke to Dean Thomas; have scheduled first Hogwarts House Elf Rugby League Game – Red Mane Lions Vs Silver Bellied Snakes a week next Thursday.

- Name came out of Goblet of Fire – am Hogwarts Triwizard Champion – Yay! GO ME! Then Potter had to try and muscle in on the fame and glory (don't mind so much about the death) – Dumbledore says his name came out of the Goblet too – think Dobby must have had something to do with it.

On similar note Dobby popped the ball during the Hogwarts House Elf Rugby League match…maybe someone should have told him that the ball was meant to be kicked between the goal posts not spiked on top of them – think he's been reading up on American Football not Rugby.

Potter felt guilty about cheating – told me first task was Dragons…didn't know would have to fight McGonagall during tournament.

- Saw Draco wandering around with strange white fur collar to his robes, looked oddly like ferret Potter and Moody were playing ping-pong with yesterday.

Dragons turned out not to be McGonagall – are actual dragons, had to steal rugby ball shaped egg from nest – at least Dobby wouldn't be able to pop it. Potter went showboating on his broom – Krum did his duck impression – scared the dragon so much she broke her eggs. Seem to have lost of girls following me about the school – well more than usual – bet Wood wishes this happened last year – he might of got himself a girlfriend.

- V bad day not only does Potter steal Triwizarding limelight but also got attacked by rather large rabid squirrel…realised later was only Granger with a box of SPEW badges…I did wonder what happened to all my nuts.

Decided to take long bath as egg looked very dirty; the House Elf Rugby League has started up again, must see Dean Thomas about the line up for the Yellow Bellied Badgers, there's no way we should have lost to the Clipped Wing Ravens 0 – 127 last match, it was v embarrassing though think that if Winky hadn't been crying so much she'd have gotten those 237 tries she missed.

- Went to Yule Ball, Cho may be good at Quidditch but she's not very good at dancing, thank God! Hid the fact I couldn't dance either. Potter was quite good though. Granger seemed to forget her squirrel heritage, looked more like a deranged form of pink poodle.

Told Potter he should bath and wash egg; used it in last House Elf Rugby League Match; Yellow Bellied Badgers Vs Silver Backed Snakes…lost again! Really must talk to Dean Thomas, is starting to be v humiliating!

- Am beginning to think that there's something going on that I should know about; first Malfoy is all ferret like, Granger is becoming more squirrellesque every passing minute and today I could swear I saw Krum walking around as a sharkman and Potter looked like the think from the Blue Lagoon! Next thing you know Mad Eye Moody will turn into a Death Eater!

Oh and came first in second task of Tournament! GO ME! Take that Potter and all your moral fibre!

- Decided House Elf Rugby League was a very bad idea – came last in the league! Have decided next year that will have to get Winky moved to Red Mane Lions – Dobby obviously wasn't enough of a handicap to their team. Started final task for Triwizard Cup, was drawing with Potter so went into Maze at same time - Krum went crazy; stupid shark man attacked blonde frenchie – something about calling Hermionie a badger – would have attacked her too, she's obviously a squirrel or maybe a chipmunk at a push. Potter nearly beat me to the Cup, but decided we should call it a draw – stupid Potter!

On a side note was killed by Dark Lord – regret not talking to Dean Thomas about Winky now and think Cho still has my favourite jumper. Rematerialised during Voldie v Potter battle, told Potter to take body back – didn't feel like being main course at next Death Eater luncheon…after all they were given the name for a reason. Met Merlin the other day – said he wants me to be his new apprentice – YAY ME! Seem to have become heartthrob of the afterlife. All girls agree I was too pretty to live – Men all agree I was too pretty to die…I'm sure there should be something wrong with that order.


	18. Chapter 18

**The Very Secret Diary of Lucius Malfoy, based upon the events of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince by J.K. Rowling**

- Decided today that needed a change of scenery – after all green, black and silver are so fifty years ago and the dust bunnies have begun to become more viscous – walked in yesterday and one had Draco by the throat. Heard Azkaban was under new management – Big Lord V (as he now wishes to be called) sent me to investigate. Heard have implemented new colour scheme – red and gold seems to be the way to the future.

- Got caught by ministry snooping around Skegness airport enroute to Azkaban – took a wrong turn at a roundabout near Bog Regis or maybe it was Swindon – must remember to tell Big Lord V to employee roundabout designers in war against Dumbledore and muggles. Ministry claimed Skegness doesn't have an airport, so sent me promptly to Azkaban: Skegness – I didn't know it was part of a chain now.

- Azkaban definitely part of chain – dementors no longer in charge – instead it's the redcoats…no the T.A. haven't taken over, would have been much better if they had – instead ministry have sold out to Butlins. Am sure I saw H from Steps running around.

Décor a disappointment – is in fact pink and gold and it's not even Valentine's Day! Think Snape must have been here first.

- Have decided Butlins must be destroyed – not only did they steal my comb, take my wand and force me not to ponce around but to add insult to serious and grievous injury – they have taken my conditioner – can feel hair tangling already.

Saw small person vaguely reminiscent of Dobby – called me Legolas – started talking about a ring and elves and a volcano…must remember to lock up all valuables around houseelves and check my ring collection is still in tact. Asked Dobby wannabe to iron my robes – went off skipping singing about a Green Dragon…must have been at the Triwizard Tournament in the fourth book.

- Post Day. Got five! Yay me! One from school Governors telling me been relieved of all responsibility of being governor as have been arrested…Butlins has got a lot to answer for! Letter from Draco boasting about being youngest Death Eater ever – stupid jumped up git – be the youngest dead Death Eater too if he's not careful. One from Snape asking if liked décor – Smarmy greasy haired git – must remember to send him killer white dust bunny if has been detached from Draco's neck. International Death Eaters monthly newsletter not as colourful as used to be and death threats against St. Potter are definitely missing. Last letter from Cissy – told her about conditioner problem, told me was time to get a haircut anyway – told her Draco was a dead man walking – said she didn't mind as long as he took Snape and Potter with him…I added Butlins to the list.

Dobby wannabes been multiplying – another one came up to me and asked how my archery was going and whether I could still ponce on snow – told him I could ponce anywhere but Butlins' dance floor – gave him cane to polish.

- Thought I saw Wood today (that boy really needs a girlfriend) but it was just a tree. Have successfully taken over Azkaban: Skegness aka Butlins with army of four Dobby wannabes – who knew they carried swords.

In other news, Dumbledore dead – still unknown who has left sherbet lemons too – don't think it's Snape though.


End file.
